Sunday, November 15, 2009

The "moves" we all do while driving.

Just about everyone drives. If you're not in the city, underage, or have some medical condition that prohibits you from driving...or you're in prison right now and are somehow reading've been behind the seat of a motor vehicle for a considerable amount of time. Since you've had such driver's side experience, you've probably gained a few driving habits. When I say habits, I'm not necessarily talking about speeding down a familiar road, or the difference between backing into or driving straight into a parallel parking spot. Those are too case-specific. I'm talking about little 'moves' we all do when in the vehicle, whether we realize it or not. I'll break them down for you:

(DISCLAIMER: I will be referring to any driver that is not me with a masculine pronoun, mainly because I'm to lazy to type in he/she as many times as necessary. I just want to let everyone know that there is no discrimination here. I hate stupid drivers regardless of who they are.)

The California Roll
This is probably the most common driving practice I've witnessed. Basically, this is just the rolling stop. The vehicle approaches a stop sign, slows to a crawl, but never really comes to a complete stop. Apparently, we think that the extra .436 seconds we're saving by just creeping up to the line before taking off again is worth it. This is a soft warm-up considering there isn't really much I can make fun of here.

The Stoplight Creeper
You're at a stoplight on a two-lane road. A car pulls up next to you and comes to a stop with its nose just breaching the arbitrary line the Department of Transportation has painted after determining it to be a safe stopping point.
The light is still red.
Everyone is still stationary.
The light remains red.
Mr. Antsy Pants next to you eases off the brakes ever so slightly, inching his vehicle up and stopping again.
The light is still red.
He scuddles up a little more.
The light is still red. this point, the car next to you isn't even really next to you anymore. This hunk of retarded metal is just about completely in the middle of the intersection, and the cars behind them have moved up and taken its spot, thereby giving the driver no option of changing his mind.
The light changes to green and you advance.
Retardo-car here hasn't moved yet because he has pulled so far ahead by now that he can't even see the light and that it's changed. He only realizes that he is now aloud to move up because you go by him at about 15mph (yes, you've had that much time to accelerate to that speed...THAT'S how far he's moved up). Once he notices that it's acceptable to be where he is now, he presses his foot down unnecessarily hard on the gas and catches up to you. Then he will do one of two things. He will fly by in all his douchey glory, or humbly slow down for roughly ten seconds, THEN pull his douche move. The only thing going through your mind is how much of an ass this person made himself look, and how you wish someone that knows him saw what he did and makes fun of him later for you, because you don't know him and will probably never see him again...unless you're a paramedic.

The Stoplight Gazer
We are at the same stoplight. You're in the same position. Another car pulls up next to you, and again slows to a stop slightly beyond the painted line. But this driver is different...
His car isn't going anywhere. He's obeying the complete stop rule. But he isn't paying attention to the road or the stoplight. He's gazing slightly up and to the left. What the hell is he doing?!
He's watching the stoplight of the traffic moving perpendicular to your own!
The opposing light is green.
His gaze stays fixed, un-averted.
The opposing light remains green.
His attention is undivided.
The opposing light remains green.
His neck has to be hurting.
The opposing light changes to yellow, then to red.
During that time, the driver has shifted his position with his head back into his seat and arms clenched to the steering wheel and shift knob if there is one.
Your light changes to green.
This guy is GONE! He had his vehicle moving at a response time of .235 seconds before your light changed colors. This guy was treating the other lights as a "tree," a drag racing terminology (you know, the strip of lights between the lanes that goes red, red, red, yellow, yellow, GREEN!). Somehow, this adrenaline junkie has found a way to make lack of movement in a mundane scenario an exciting and spontaneous demonstration of faggotry.

The Quick Peek
You're on a highway now. You're actually MOVING now! I guess you're at approximately 55mph. You obey the speed limit like that, I know you do. You're a law-abiding citizen (please tell me you are, because that would just kill me if you weren't). Cars around you are moving at varying speeds, whether it's faster or slower than you, but at moderate paces; nothing extreme. As these cars are moving by you, or you by them, you always do this move...
You look at that driver.
Everyone is moving at speeds that, on average, could kill someone in an accident, but you and that driver both pull your eyes from what's in front of you for just a second to peer at each other.
What are you hoping for?
Single guys (or taken guys with big dreams), are you hoping that you'll see an attractive female behind the wheel? Are you hoping that you both will make eye contact? Are you hoping that you'll both play a cute game of highway tag, then eventually just pull over on the shoulder, run off into the woods or something, and just fuck each other right there?
I do.
Women...I don't even know, and I'm not even going to try to make an attempt at what you're thinking when you look over.
We all do it.
Well, almost all people.
If you peer over, and that person's neck doesn't even make a muscle contusion when you drive by (they must have tunnel vision like a mother fucker!), you think, "stuck-up bitch/prick!"
Tell me I'm wrong...

...You can't, can you?

How about the people that FLY by you at ridiculous speeds? Or how about the ones that are slugging along at 15mph below the flow of traffic?
While they're either in your mirror or still in front of you, they're just objects. They're not even people at this point. They're just cars running autonomously and they're bugging the hell out of you because they've got to be different compared to the rest of traffic.
Oh, but when they go by, you still look.
But it's not the same look, regardless of what you're hoping to see.
No, this look is the gaze of DEATH!
Yeah, they should die.

How about a passenger habit?
The Clairvoyant Napper
How many times has this happened to you?
You're driving somewhere, and it's a relatively long trip. Someone came with you, and he's in the passenger seat. Somewhere along the journey, he dozed off and seems unshakable no matter what you're doing on the road. In fact, he is annoying the shit out of you at this point because of his snoring, and the fact that you have no one to talk to now.
He's ungrateful as shit that you're driving him.
You're nearing the end of your trek, and you're closing in on the final mile. All of the sudden, they are jerked from their peaceful slumber, making horrible sounds and stretching their arms into your line of sight.
By some phenomenon, they knew exactly when to wake up, even though no matter what you did while driving (quick lane changes, braking and accelerating because of shitty drivers around you, etc.), they were never disturbed.
You park the car and get out. You're tired as shit. This guy...He's up and ready to go!
Fuck you...guy. You're driving home, but not in MY car.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Today's Taste Test...You sample me blindfolded and I'll tell you what you just tasted.

Two nights ago, I was watching a documentary of marijuana on CNBC. Now, weed has nothing to do with today's post. What followed that episode, however, was an hour long in-depth advertisement for Coca-Cola they disguised as a documentary. For that, I decided to go ahead and advocate on this situation, and tell you a little bit about Pepsi. Only I could find a way to waste your time with a mock-umentary A&E Biography would pay me to delete, throw my computer into a fire, and then have me smother it with my own body.

Founded by Caleb Bradham in 1893, it was originally created as a possible over-the-counter treatment to bad digestion. It was an instant success as an enjoyable casual drink by his patrons and friends, so Mr. Bradham decided to devote all his efforts into a business. Fast-forward to now and you have a thriving enterprise with a net worth of over $92 billion which expands to other well known names as Frito-Lay, Quaker Foods, Tropicana, and Gatorade. But that has nothing to do with why I am giving kudos to this great, GREAT, company.

The reason I love this company so much, is because they fail so many times! But despite of it's many unsuccessful attempts at something new, they keep creating more and more products that last about as long as fifteen dollars in a back alley at Vegas. Just take a look at all the labels that PepsiCo. has released for their Pepsi brand. (Pepsi Labels) Yes, I know. The link is Wikipedia, but for the most part, all the info is there and accurate to date. That is just the list of Pepsi's. PepsiCo. also controls such brands as Mountain Dew, Dr. Pepper, Mug Root Beer, 7-Up, Aquafina, and more.

I could only imagine how big their R&D department is, because it seems that they know that flavors come and go at an alarming rate. So, if failure in short time is included into the equation, PepsiCo. always needs to stay ahead of the game. Once one flavor disappears from the current fad, R&D delivers with yet another short shelf-life phenom. It almost seems like every idea they put on paper in the conference room gets put into action. "So bob, what do you have for us for next week's new Pepsi?" "'s barbecuing season, so I thought I'd come up with a compliment to the grill's #1 meat. Introducing......PEPSI BEEF!"  "EXCELLENT! GET THE DESIGNERS ON THE PHONE AND GET TO PRINTING THOSE LABELS! BUY OUT McCORMICKS AND ARTIFICIALLY RECREATE THE FLAVOR." "One more thing boss; just a toss-up; how about, it starts pink, and when it gets cold enough, turns to our classic Pepsi brown?" "DEAR LORD, BOB! YOU'VE GOT A HIT!!" Not to mention, it also seems like instead of a sample location to test the product's success, the release it nationwide with no fear!

Pepsi definitely has the testicular fortitude to try anything with their money at least once. Along with expanding their market with failed flavors and other edible companies, they have divided a portion of their income to various advertisements targeting EVERYBODY! Regardless of that television station, newspaper, magazine you enjoy, you WILL see a Pepsi ad with that specific group of people targeted. (let's stick to TV for now).  CBS, FOX, BET, TNT, History Channel.....LIFETIME...will ALL have some Pepsi-mercial with its own personality it seems. Pick a sporting event, concert, PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE! I could almost be tempted to bet you any amount of money that Pepsi is there somewhere. It's not just because they have the money to do it, it's that they have the money, and they DO do it!

With competition like Coca-Cola, RC Cola, and the various store brands with similar brand names like Mountain Lion, Dr. Thunder, and Squirt, Pepsi always needs to stay on their toes and keep their products on the top of the ladder and on the front of the shelf. So kudos to PepsiCo for their continuing failures, but never stopping to think twice about them!

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Are you actually driving a PLANE to work everyday?

So, I was driving home today after work, where I was driving all over and delivering specific items I can currently not mention, but can say it involves a certain biological current event.  Anyway...while driving, I realized that my truck had very little in the way of technological advancements compared to other vehicles on the road. Other than the CD player, which is a replacement for the factory installed AM/FM radio that had no CD or cassette features, my truck doesn't have anything that resembles anything invented after the bronze age except for the airbag (which I hope I NEVER use, so that doesn't count). Shit, that radio barely played AM/FM at times! In my defense, it is a 2002, so it's not necessarily THAT old in comparison to other vehicles still in operation. At times, I envy those who have more automobile accessories than I do. But then, it got me thinking...

I don't need those things!

And by those things, I mean, these specific "enhancements" to our motor vehicles.

Ignition Buttons
This is a fairly new feature making its way through all models throughout North America and in other foreign nations. The benefit is for those who either don't have the ability, or is too lazy to find their key and turn it in the ignition. They don't have to fumble through their pocket or handbag for the key because the car recognizes, via electronic signal, that the key is within the vicinity of the car.

I want to point out one MAJOR flaw in this "incredible" convenience. So your key just happens to be within the area and you don't have to fish around to find it. I'm curious...what did you use to get IN the car in the first place? Did you have to fish through your pocket or handbag to pull out your keys, which has the remote to unlock the door? The keys are out! You've already made the effort of key retrieval to get into the car! Just put the freaking thing in the slot and turn! That is, of course, after you've sat down in your seat.

Heated Seats
There is nothing like a cold, winter morning when the frost has collected on your windshield and the engine needs the extra few moments to warm up. There is nothing like it, because it SUCKS! Problems start to collect once you've finally scraped a sizable viewing hole on each of your windows, when you've gotten yourself inside the car. I don't know about any of you, but it doesn't seem to matter how long I've let my engine warm up and the vents start to blow warm air through the cabin, that I'm still hunched forward during half my trip to work because it's too cold on the surface of my seat to lean back comfortably. Oh, if only my seat produced its own heat!

Wait, NO! No I don't! If I did, I wouldn't have a reason to write this!

Heated seats? Really?

The biggest problem I have with this is that for 8 OTHER months out of the year, it's never touched! If anything, most people are cursing the intense heat on the inside during the summer, that they wish it was chilled for them (never satisfied, eh?).

I'm not going to lie, I've tried these out. The first time I used it, it freaked me out! When the heat activated (I unknowingly turned it on), the seat warmed instantly to a very high degree. I literally thought I just crapped myself, and got out of the vehicle and to the nearest bathroom to check. Yeah, heat seats aren't for me.

Cruise Control
This feature has been around for a while. I use it on numerous occasions. I admit to be victimized by this little time bomb.

When you're driving (without cruise control), where is your foot? It's on the gas pedal, correct? The last time I checked, the gas pedal is probably the closest my foot can get to the brake pedal without touching it. Cruise control allows, and almost encourages the driver to relax his/her legs. More often than not, what do we do? We pull our legs closer to ourselves, sometimes even crossing them. We've actually caused an even SLOWER reaction time to incidents around us by allowing us to relax and move away from two of the three tools of basic car movement! Cruise control is like that friend you had back in school that convinced you that playing hooky every once in a while was alright and wouldn't keep you from educational progress (or as how they would put it: youz aint got nothin ta worry about skhool is gonna B der 2morro).

Precise Temperature Control
First, isn't it enough that people argue enough about what exact degree the thermostat at home is set to? No one ever yelled at someone else with the comment, "will you please quit changing the temperature control from mostly red and a little blue to moderately red and slightly more blue?!"  Enough said.

Look. It's either a top, or no top. There IS no question! What are you getting with the sunroof that you're not getting with the windshield, except a greater opportunity to get throat punched?

Honestly, I could go on forever with feature after feature. Honestly, who thought of Vulcanized rubber?! GRAH! Anyway, I'll stop for now. Add on if you'd like.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

People love me as much as I pretend to love myself? When did THIS happen?

First, I'll start with this...

Anonymous said...

I wast just looking at your blog postings, and you've seriously had no comment yet on any of them? What? Crazy. Unless you've been deleting them. BTW, if I was younger and cuter and lived closer to where you do, I would seriously hunt you down for intense conversation.


I tend to joke about being a narcissistic bastard whose only job is to belittle those around me by exaggerating the high points of myself.

Don't be confused, I really AM perfect, though.

I am a person who craves attention. I feed on it like a vampire bat feeds on the ankles of cows; like many species of beetles feed on the excrement of cows; like flies feed on the eyelids and other soft spots of cows; like piranhas feed on the hides and innards of get the point. (yup...cows)

When I realized that I gained a following, I, (no lie), instantly acquired writer's block and had no clue of what would be a good topic. Then I remembered why I created this blog. I wanted to show everyone what life on earth is actually like through my perspective. Now, since I have seriously failed on my end of the bargain to supply this experience for you to live vicariously, I am going to hop on this much MUCH more...starting tomorrow.

Yup, I just weaseled my way out of this one too!

Monday, November 9, 2009

What I want the internet to give me for Christmas...

Christmas, Channukah, Kwanza, Spaghetti Monster Present Day...WHATEVER you want to call it...I don't care. I'm calling it Xmas for short, and we will all just read it without the religious strings attached to it from now on. I live without religious strings everyday! ;-)


Xmas is right around the corner, and its obvious if you've been to any retail store (that is, if you've had any spending money lately). Well, instead of making a list of material possessions (which in my mind, seems awfully greedy considering you KNOW you're not going to get everything on there, leaving SOMEONE at the end feeling bad that they weren't able to sustain your want want wants), I'm going to create a list of things I want the internet to do for me.

1. Twitter - Please quit adding things!
It's one thing that You've added the @replies, hashtags, DM's, the brand new lists feature, and the soon to be new RT button.  The beauty of Twitter is the simplicity of it. It's free, accessible everywhere, and connects everyone with simple messages who normally would have never talked before. There were other social networking sites (I won't name names) that started the trend of mass addition of these so-called "features" that were going to benefit the user. The addition frenzy went so out of control, that users flocked to other sites, the public made mockeries of them, and the name became too familiar and out or date, which started the pattern all over again on the next popular site (ok, I will name names, IN ORDER!  Livejournal, Friendster, Hi5, Xanga, MySpace, Facebook, and now Twitter). My advice to you, Twitter, is to quit while you're ahead. Just stick to maintanence, security, and the prevention of the #failwhale, instead of adding more reasons for the whale to be beached.

2. Myspace - Just Die!
I just want to say,
Tom, you did a wonderful job with creating the site and allowing those to customize their own personal page and blog to those that are close to them or to anyone willing to read it. It blew up in popularity! It was the "in" trend! It was the base benefit for other products on sale. Theeeen you sold it. You became rich as hell for a product you originally offered fo nothing but advertisement banner deals. Sweet!


Look what you left us with! We now have this empty shell of a social networking site run by soulless creatans only interested in monetary gain. Myspace became the Starbucks of websites! Facebook is the new trend, and Myspace is slowly decaying into nothingness. The best thing for Myspace to do at this moment is to just cut your losses and delete the whole thing.

3. Are You Single? - YES! QUIT REMINDING ME, ADS!
Have I ever clicked any of you? NO! Quit bothering me!

4. The Best New Game Online! This Sexy Lady Invites You Warmly Into Out Guild - Read #3
nuff said

5. Email - Make it relevant again.
I miss going to my email and seeing something of meaning in my inbox and not loads of advertisements, ads, or just bills. I remember a time where junk mail was a surprise! Remember that? It was so convincing back then, because it was so rare! I actually believed at one point that I was going to get a free Sega Dreamcast if I just clicked through the plethora of links to my final destination. Yes, I learned a little bit about my online naivete with my first virus, but it was so uncommon at that point. But the thing is, I had mail! I had real mail from real people telling me real things! Bring that feeling back!

6. Give me something new to do. - Period...I'm bored

That is all.  Care to add anymore, people?