Sunday, November 15, 2009

The "moves" we all do while driving.

Just about everyone drives. If you're not in the city, underage, or have some medical condition that prohibits you from driving...or you're in prison right now and are somehow reading this...you've been behind the seat of a motor vehicle for a considerable amount of time. Since you've had such driver's side experience, you've probably gained a few driving habits. When I say habits, I'm not necessarily talking about speeding down a familiar road, or the difference between backing into or driving straight into a parallel parking spot. Those are too case-specific. I'm talking about little 'moves' we all do when in the vehicle, whether we realize it or not. I'll break them down for you:

(DISCLAIMER: I will be referring to any driver that is not me with a masculine pronoun, mainly because I'm to lazy to type in he/she as many times as necessary. I just want to let everyone know that there is no discrimination here. I hate stupid drivers regardless of who they are.)

The California Roll
This is probably the most common driving practice I've witnessed. Basically, this is just the rolling stop. The vehicle approaches a stop sign, slows to a crawl, but never really comes to a complete stop. Apparently, we think that the extra .436 seconds we're saving by just creeping up to the line before taking off again is worth it. This is a soft warm-up considering there isn't really much I can make fun of here.

The Stoplight Creeper
You're at a stoplight on a two-lane road. A car pulls up next to you and comes to a stop with its nose just breaching the arbitrary line the Department of Transportation has painted after determining it to be a safe stopping point.
The light is still red.
Everyone is still stationary.
The light remains red.
Mr. Antsy Pants next to you eases off the brakes ever so slightly, inching his vehicle up and stopping again.
The light is still red.
He scuddles up a little more.
The light is still red.
Ok...at this point, the car next to you isn't even really next to you anymore. This hunk of retarded metal is just about completely in the middle of the intersection, and the cars behind them have moved up and taken its spot, thereby giving the driver no option of changing his mind.
The light changes to green and you advance.
Retardo-car here hasn't moved yet because he has pulled so far ahead by now that he can't even see the light and that it's changed. He only realizes that he is now aloud to move up because you go by him at about 15mph (yes, you've had that much time to accelerate to that speed...THAT'S how far he's moved up). Once he notices that it's acceptable to be where he is now, he presses his foot down unnecessarily hard on the gas and catches up to you. Then he will do one of two things. He will fly by in all his douchey glory, or humbly slow down for roughly ten seconds, THEN pull his douche move. The only thing going through your mind is how much of an ass this person made himself look, and how you wish someone that knows him saw what he did and makes fun of him later for you, because you don't know him and will probably never see him again...unless you're a paramedic.

The Stoplight Gazer
We are at the same stoplight. You're in the same position. Another car pulls up next to you, and again slows to a stop slightly beyond the painted line. But this driver is different...
His car isn't going anywhere. He's obeying the complete stop rule. But he isn't paying attention to the road or the stoplight. He's gazing slightly up and to the left. What the hell is he doing?!
He's watching the stoplight of the traffic moving perpendicular to your own!
The opposing light is green.
His gaze stays fixed, un-averted.
The opposing light remains green.
His attention is undivided.
The opposing light remains green.
His neck has to be hurting.
The opposing light changes to yellow, then to red.
During that time, the driver has shifted his position with his head back into his seat and arms clenched to the steering wheel and shift knob if there is one.
Your light changes to green.
This guy is GONE! He had his vehicle moving at a response time of .235 seconds before your light changed colors. This guy was treating the other lights as a "tree," a drag racing terminology (you know, the strip of lights between the lanes that goes red, red, red, yellow, yellow, GREEN!). Somehow, this adrenaline junkie has found a way to make lack of movement in a mundane scenario an exciting and spontaneous demonstration of faggotry.

The Quick Peek
You're on a highway now. You're actually MOVING now! I guess you're at approximately 55mph. You obey the speed limit like that, I know you do. You're a law-abiding citizen (please tell me you are, because that would just kill me if you weren't). Cars around you are moving at varying speeds, whether it's faster or slower than you, but at moderate paces; nothing extreme. As these cars are moving by you, or you by them, you always do this move...
You look at that driver.
Everyone is moving at speeds that, on average, could kill someone in an accident, but you and that driver both pull your eyes from what's in front of you for just a second to peer at each other.
What are you hoping for?
Single guys (or taken guys with big dreams), are you hoping that you'll see an attractive female behind the wheel? Are you hoping that you both will make eye contact? Are you hoping that you'll both play a cute game of highway tag, then eventually just pull over on the shoulder, run off into the woods or something, and just fuck each other right there?
I do.
Women...I don't even know, and I'm not even going to try to make an attempt at what you're thinking when you look over.
We all do it.
Well, almost all people.
If you peer over, and that person's neck doesn't even make a muscle contusion when you drive by (they must have tunnel vision like a mother fucker!), you think, "stuck-up bitch/prick!"
Tell me I'm wrong...

...You can't, can you?

How about the people that FLY by you at ridiculous speeds? Or how about the ones that are slugging along at 15mph below the flow of traffic?
While they're either in your mirror or still in front of you, they're just objects. They're not even people at this point. They're just cars running autonomously and they're bugging the hell out of you because they've got to be different compared to the rest of traffic.
Oh, but when they go by, you still look.
But it's not the same look, regardless of what you're hoping to see.
No, this look is the gaze of DEATH!
"FUCK YOU, YOU DUMBASS PIECE OF SHIT DRIVER! DID YOU GET YOUR LICENSE FROM A COLLECTION OF CEREAL BOX TOPS?! DOES YOUR LICENSE SAY 'COURTESY OF KELLOGG'S???"
Yeah, they should die.



How about a passenger habit?
The Clairvoyant Napper
How many times has this happened to you?
You're driving somewhere, and it's a relatively long trip. Someone came with you, and he's in the passenger seat. Somewhere along the journey, he dozed off and seems unshakable no matter what you're doing on the road. In fact, he is annoying the shit out of you at this point because of his snoring, and the fact that you have no one to talk to now.
He's ungrateful as shit that you're driving him.
Bitch/Prick
You're nearing the end of your trek, and you're closing in on the final mile. All of the sudden, they are jerked from their peaceful slumber, making horrible sounds and stretching their arms into your line of sight.
By some phenomenon, they knew exactly when to wake up, even though no matter what you did while driving (quick lane changes, braking and accelerating because of shitty drivers around you, etc.), they were never disturbed.
You park the car and get out. You're tired as shit. This guy...He's up and ready to go!
Fuck you...guy. You're driving home, but not in MY car.

3 comments:

  1. Okay so maybe you were slightly, kinda, maybe probably funny in this one...maybe.

    ...what?

    Giving you a compliment is like passing a hard stool. It's achievable but it's also uncomfortable.

    ReplyDelete
  2. i've gone through this blog. i found it really interesting. nowadays im working and also studying in reputed college.

    online business

    ReplyDelete
  3. I have a feeling I would be the Clairvoyant Napper.

    ReplyDelete